Saturday, May 07, 2005

If I only had the nerve.

This is harder than I anticipated.

I am filled with apprehension and don't know quite what to do with myself. I guess I must really have thought that when I reached the end of treatment I could declare victory and go back to being my old self, more or less right away. Instead, I'm trying to come to terms with gastroparesis, something I never anticipated, and trying to find a path back into my old life.

I'm especially surprised by how fearful I am. Fearful of eating too much. Fearful of not eating enough. Fearful of eating the wrong thing. Fearful of pushing too hard or not hard enough. Fearful of going back to the hospital. Fearful that the cancer will come back. General, unassigned fear.

I seem to have exhausted my courage reserves.

3 Comments:

Blogger Jenn said...

Yoda says, "Fear leads to hate, hate leads to anger, and anger leads to suffering." No doubt you've experienced these things because of cancer, which is a nasty SOB-if cancer was a human, he'd definately be a really bad sith monster.

When I read my "Flying Without Fear" book, I saw something startling: most people are less apprehensive about the landing, but really, if you're going to run into trouble at the end of the flight verses the take-off. I think that, like a lot of things, the end of a journey can be more turbulent than the beginning.

But, Dear Jim, I for one am happy that you are experiencing the near-end of your journey. Welcome back to being a human being again! I hope you live a long boring time without any docs or nurses or needles or ivs. And I can't wait to see you again!

Love,
Jenn, John, and FiFi

1:34 PM  
Blogger Tom Wolf said...

These fears are normal. Normal, shmormal, what the [bleep]!!

You haven't lost your nerve, it's just hiding, and there's much more in reserve than you think. The most remarkable thing about your courage is that you took so long to reach this low point. I know that many of us reading your posts have been inspired by your handling of what is, after all, one of the most terrifying experiences anyone can face. Hang in there--things will improve.

Love, Tom

6:42 PM  
Blogger vkenny said...

Hi Jimmy, Life has never been about going back, but rather about moving forward, come what may. You have an amazing opportunity to take what you have experienced and learned from this most awesome battle and improve on your previous life. This is the first day of your new life, so naturally there will be apprehension, but thankfully nothing you can not overcome(as you've learned you can overcome anything). Keep fighting the good fight!
V

1:42 PM  

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