Wednesday, March 23, 2005


When we met with Dr. Parker last week, he said that sometimes people just wake up one day and feel better. I'm hoping for that everyday, but have to satisfy myself with small, incremental improvement.

The worst part has to be the depression. Whether it is drug induced or situational, it is the hardest part of the recovery. I'm still reluctant to treat it with additional medication, because I'm convinced it will abate as I back off the morphine. I'm also concerned about the side effects of additional antidepression medication. For example, when I took the anti-anxiety medication, adivan (sp?) in the hospital, it mostly served to enhance some pretty frightening delusions about the "true" nature of the hospital.

Judy suggested that I try to "putter" a bit, just to get off the couch and to realign my perspective a bit. It's a good suggestion, but I feel generally feeble and useless - can't lift much, can't do many trips up and down stairs, can't think very straight - so even puttering is fairly daunting.

I am improving incrementally. I'm certainly better than I was a week ago. Every weird twinge or noise in my breathing sets me off, though, on a fairly destructive spree of fear and speculation. I've got to just get over myself.

Tomorrow, mid-morning, I have a CT scan at Dr. Evers' office. He wants a baseline, post-surgical picture of what I look like inside. No reason to fear any additional bad discoveries, but I don't seem to need a reason for fear these days.

I'm looking forward to Easter. My parents and much of Judy's family will come to the house, bringing Easter dinner with them (Judy will have a ham and a turkey here). It will be a great distraction to see everybody. Maybe we'll have an Easter resurrection for me, too.


Blogger Tom Wolf said...

Jim, sorry your recovery is slow, but glad it’s a recovery. I’ve been listening to Bill Bryson’s “A Short History of Nearly Everything,” a cosmological primer for non-scientists (which definitely includes me). It gives one a new perspective on time and space, and reminds one that the entirety of human history (much less an individual life) is a nano-second in geological time. And then there’s the fact that time itself is relative, not absolute. In a couple of months you’ll be feeling great. In the meantime, here you are, and many are blessed by, grateful for, your presence. The Wolf household continues to pray for you at supper and bedtime each day. Love, Tom (and from Dale: Live Long and Prosper)

9:45 AM  
Blogger vkenny said...

Hi Jimmy, I have been sharing your blogs with Ed whenever a new one appears, and he has suffered many of the same side effects you are dealing with. Ed agrees with your doctor he said one day you just feel better, maybe because the progress is slow your not realizing how much progress is being made. Ed has been fighting his disease for a long time, and being chronic there a very few pain free days so Ed has started some new (not so strenuous)hobbies to help occupy his time in between naps. I wish there was something more to say than be patient with yourself but that's easier said than done sometimes. We will continue to pray daily for your peace of mind, body & soul. Keep fighting the good fight!!

3:08 PM  
Blogger UisceBaGirl said...

I don't know if this works for you but when I feel down or depressed I absorb myself in a great book or movie, particularly funny works. It gives me two hours to get 'outside' myself and I usually feel uplifted afterwards.

I hope you wake up tomorrow or Sunday (Easter) and feel powerfully healed.

3:41 PM  
Blogger UisceBaGirl said...

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3:41 PM  
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