Sunday, January 30, 2005

The Bitter and the Sweet.

This past week has been great, and I've been looking forward to next week since I finished chemo and radiation. Now that it is upon me, I'm terrified.

First, last week.

I've been feeling really well. Last week I:
  • recorded a song,
  • began reorganizing my work bench,
  • went to my office twice,
  • read over 1000 e-mails,
  • repaired my daughter's lunch box,
  • attended a conference call,
  • attended a legislative dinner,
  • attended a law firm reception,
  • played the first set with my band at the pub,
  • drove around a good bit,
  • did 20 minutes on my stationary bike three days in a row.

My side effects continue to improve, except for the weird taste in my mouth which is the same or possibly worse, and the light-headedness which persists. While I still tire easily, it is less easily than before. I'm sleeping well. The esophagitis is dramatically improved. My appetite is ok (although nothing tastes quite right).

Tomorrow I have a CT scan and a bone scan. Physically, the worst part will be the barium swallow. When a picked up the container of swallow yesterday, the radiology attendant said something about a "bone injection". That sounded really bad, too, but Judy has since learned from two very reliable friends in the medical business that the injection will be by IV, and will not pierce any bones. IV's are business as usual by now, and no problem at all.

Hey, maybe the pernicious weird taste in my mouth will make the barium swallow taste good? Maybe?

Here's what I'm terrified about. On Tuesday, we'll meet with Dr. Evers so he can read tomorrow's scans, tell us how much progress we've made, and start planning for surgery.

I'm working hard to believe that the scans will show great progress, pointing to the less intrusive surgical approach, and a prompt schedule.

But I also can't help bracing for the impact of a less rosy outcome. I can't shake the prospect of hearing that the mass has not decreased or has increased, that endoscopic surgery is not feasible, that the five weeks of misery was a waste of time. I'm having trouble finding anything really solid to brace against.

Judy's plainly anxious as well.

I guess the problem with a moment of truth is its unmalleable clarity. Once the moment of truth has come and gone, all the other prior possibilities are foreclosed. Tonight, the scans have the potential to find anything. By this time Tuesday, only one outcome will have come to pass.

Let's hope it's a good one.


16 Comments:

Blogger bonnie said...

Jim,

There was and is a prayer chain that contains over 50 people all saying good thoughts and wishes through prayer your way tonight and tomorrow. There is optimistic energy surrounding you. Hopefully the tests will be good ones, but, if not, there is still positive energy being sent your way to strengthen the steps. We are holding our breath with you. Hold on to the stones. Take care and keep up the fight. You are in the last leg.

Bonnie

8:56 PM  
Blogger CJ Fillmore said...

Jim--
I'll be thinking about and praying for you and Judy and the kids all day tomorrow. I know you all are on pins and needles these last few hours.

Keep holding onto God's hand. With His strength and grace you will stand.

CJ

11:42 PM  
Blogger vkenny said...

Hi Jimmy, I can tell by past few entries you are feeling physically & mentally better, We could not be happier. You have made it to the hardest part of the journey, many people think the treatments are the worst part but I know from experience the hardest part is finding out what will come next. My hope & prayer is that you will have the best possible outcome, whatever happens Ed & I will continue our prayers & positive thoughts as that is what has kept us going for all this time. Keep fighting the good fight!
V

8:54 AM  
Blogger Tom Wolf said...

Praying for you every day, and may the results be as good as we all hope.

Love, Tom

9:05 AM  
Blogger GaryD77 said...

Partner, we're all praying for you and absolutely 100% no doubt about it and take it to the bank can guarantee that the results will be great!!! Love, April and Gary

3:15 PM  
Blogger Jenn said...

Jim,

You look marvolous!

I've been saying rosary decades for you today!
Love,
Jenn

5:55 PM  
Blogger Karen Davis said...

Jim - I honestly believe with all my heart that you will have good and positive results on Tuesday. I do, I do, I do. I can't imagine how hard this waiting is for you and Judy, but please know that all of us out here are praying and cheering for you. We love you.

7:29 PM  
Blogger UisceBaGirl said...

Waiting and praying here ...

Pamela

8:02 PM  
Blogger Kita28 said...

Dearest Jim and my darling Judy,

I am praying for you day and night (guess what I do with my insomnia?). I pray that you have a peaceful night tonight and that tomorrow has wonderful news.

I love you with all my heart,

Kita

8:13 PM  
Blogger mary and eric said...

Jim and Judy,
I enjoyed your lovely children this morning and will look forward to bringing dinner over tomorrow around 5:30. Please know that we are thinking of you and keeping you in our prayers. love, mary and eric

8:56 PM  
Blogger mary and eric said...

Jim and Judy,
I enjoyed your lovely children this morning and will look forward to bringing dinner over tomorrow around 5:30. Please know that we are thinking of you and keeping you in our prayers. love, mary and eric

8:56 PM  
Blogger Dorrie said...

Praying for you and thinking of you.

11:14 AM  
Blogger Micah said...

You're in my thoughts, Jim. Best of luck with the results today.

1:03 PM  
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