Saturday, November 20, 2004

Cry, baby. Cry.

This morning, I drove my car, solo, for the first time since late October. I went to my office and met with some of my partners. Then I stopped for gas and went to World Market to pick up some beer for the work crew tomorrow and some wine and stuff for Thanksgiving. It is nearly, but not quite, as much fun to buy beer and wine when you don't expect to drink any of it. I spent most of the rest of the day recovering.

There's something hard about feeling better.

Naturally, I'm delighted with each day's improvement, but I'm impatient to be well, to be my old self, to do much, much, much more than I really can.

Also, I feel an urgency to try to get as better and do as much as fast as I can before the next round of chemo (likely with radiation this time) comes around to knock me flat again.

Still, I'm making the most of it, while trying not to press my luck.

Yesterday, I met with a client, made some business related phone calls and felt renewed. By eveningtime, when Ed came to take Seamus to his cub scout pack meeting, I was starting to fade, but wanted to go with them - so I did. I began to suspect that I'd pushed a little too far when I got choked up during the Pledge of Allegiance.

While I'm getting stronger physically, emotionally, I'm still on a hair trigger. It is striking that while I've still got some peripheral neuropathy (loss of sensation) in my skin, emotionally, I feel like all my nerves are bare and exposed to the sun and air.

Judy teases that we have a daily contest when the mail comes as to which card or letter is going to make me weep. It's not sadness or grief or bitterness. It's just emotion, completely untethered. Especially when people are being kind, supportive, generous, understanding or helpful.

Ed has organized another work detail for tomorrow morning. It was much simpler to graciously accept this over-the-top gift from our friends when I was in the hospital. I know I can't do the chores they're doing for me, but I feel much more of a slouch sitting on the porch watching than when I was confined to a hospital bed.

Also, I've got to do other stuff while they'll be here. They're supposed to arrive around 10, while I'll be doing my IV (or "shooting up" as my brother referred to it). Then at 11, I promised to go to mass with Judy & the kids.

Ultimately, I'm so pleased and grateful for the help. So much that I would have done falls on Judy, and this will take a load from us both.

I'll just try not to weep too much, and leave graciousness for another day.


Blogger Dorrie said...

I think physical strength will help with the exposed emotional nerves. I've always felt that fatigue made me more prone to crying. (Like children who laugh hysterically over nothing when they are over-tired) The trouble I've had with crying is being surprised by it, when my brain takes some mundane sensory input and, through multiple leaps, connects it back to The Thing. It always happens just when I think I'm doing great "keeping it together"...

11:02 PM  
Blogger GPT said...

Jim, We'll miss you on Thursday but glad things are looking up; GMJ and I will be down on Saturday. I hope you were able to put the top down on your saturday excursion. Water with lemon, hmm sounds like one of my drinks.

11:52 AM  
Blogger Tom Wolf said...

Sorry I missed the work day, but glad you're feeling better and better. I've always gotten choked up upon witnessing anything noble or unselfish or particularly loving. Women like sensitive guys. Speaking of which, you and Judy should go see "Shall We Dance." I've taken Carol and Kelly to see it (separately) and loved it both times. (This may be seen as evidence of softness, but, as you know, I get to balance it out in my work.) Hope to see you soon. Love, Tom

7:35 PM  
Blogger vkenny said...

Jimmy, Enjoy the fact that tears are cleansing and a wonderful stress reliever. I know it seems tears come out of nowhere but they really come when you need them. It is great to hear you are improving every day and getting stronger. Keep letting people help with encouraging words & deeds as this will help you through the next round. Knowing you have alot of people there for you will make it better.

8:24 AM  
Blogger Judy Barker said...

Hi Jim,
I have been following your journey to beat this thing. I had a little trouble signing into Blog but I think I've got it now.
Thinking and praying for you and the family today. On Turkey Day you and the Guys and friends have a lot to be thankful for as we all do. My son in law is recovered 3-1/2years now. Lots of prayers and excellent medical care.
So hang in there. Life is a big test and you are passing with flying colors.
I think you should make the movie, really.
If you get bored, check out my website. Lots of Irish music etc.
Judy and Geoff Barker

9:13 AM  

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